Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
