fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
