It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
