oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
My balls are so social today.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
