so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
