You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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