This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
