Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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