HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
