I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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