Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
you had me at cake vodka
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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