I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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