so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
