In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
