i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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