i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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