Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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