I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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