wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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