he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
