omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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