did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I would ride that face into the sunset
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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