If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
