She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize