Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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