genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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