Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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