I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
