tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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