Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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