toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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