I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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