don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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