Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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