I just cut my nipple shaving
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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