i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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