Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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