Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
