this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
