Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
