Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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