im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
