Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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