So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Randomize
