You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
