I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
