Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
