So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
