i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
