I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
