I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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