My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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