I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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