My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
